Musical Anatomy of My Divorce: Spring 2009
Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue
Looking back at how this all started more than two years ago, I think perhaps that I was guilty of allowing myself to be a victim, even as I proclaimed I was refusing to do so.
For instead of the typical reaction of immediate anger when my husband told me of his infidelity - I instead asked what he wanted to do about that. This was June 29th 2009, upon my return from a business trip.
In retrospect, I should have made some decisions right then and there about what I wanted to do about his infidelity.
Perhaps I should not have been so long suffering about matters. For I had found him one May evening, parked around the corner of our house sweating like a panther with only his undershirt on. Perhaps I should have insisted then that he talk to me about the reason for that. - I just mistakenly thought that ultimately he would respect and value our 14 year relationship and bring that passion home. And so I allowed him his privacy which he so deeply valued. Yeah, in retrospect, I should have definitely voiced some objections that night!
Perhaps I should have shouted in protest from the highest hilltop in June, July, August, September...,- and let our families know of his actions. But I was still a woman who loved too much then. I was being protective, patient and a silent victim,- championing my behavior as more chivalrous than 'fighting for my man.'
When I made the decision not to argue about things but to help him pack and move out in October 2009, perhaps I was victimizing myself then too. I was very tired at the time. My bald spots and health decline spoke for themselves.
I am not sure one person struggling to keep a marriage together is a valid effort. Personally, I prefer to be in a relationship in which both parties value and work together to preserve, and improve what they are or could be together.
The Glenn I was married to was a nice enough guy, who has just always been emotionally aloof perhaps even affectionately so; very private. Which does not always fare well in working toward maturity in a relationship. Women who love too much easily attach themselves to these personalities. Perhaps I was growing out of this addiction even then, beginning to expect more out of our relationship than my husband felt capable of giving. Does that make me a victim still? I hope not!! I just changed.
The Glenn that made a decision to secretly build a 'love' nest somewhere else and end our marriage, was not so nice. I am told that divorce seldom is. I think that Glenn's conduct throughout the Anatomy of My Divorce made his departure much more hurtful - both emotionally and financially- than it had to be. Almost as if he was returning to his childhood habit of spitting on complete strangers. But the fact that he knew me and had vowed to go through life with me-through thick and thin-made his behavior much more personally offensive.
In the Spring of 2009, when Glenn told me of his affair, I was definitely hurting; and this song is a fairly good representation of how I felt at that moment in time.
I would encourage others going through similar circumstances to acknowledge the pain, accept it and then place the pain in a perspective in which it is negligible compared to the amount of infinite joy available for us to immerse ourselves in. Then move on. Allow yourselves to experience Joy!
- Feel free to jump ahead to my Inspirational Story of Nicky's Dream, and take whatever steps you can to "Don't Worry, Be Happy."