NIcky's Dream
This story is another in which I was encouraged to let go of anger.
This time the exhortation came via a dream about my brother, Nicky, who transitioned into spirit on June 25, 2010.
Nicky, was 20 years older than me, almost to the day. And I don't know why- perhaps because I was the youngest and him the oldest or perhaps because we shared similar personalities; but for whatever reason, he and I were very close. The close that didn't require words or proximity. We just 'clicked.'
By the time I was born Nicky was already in the service being whisked away to foreign lands and very remote foreign locations. I rarely saw him.
When I did, I really did not believe he was my brother. For there were six of us siblings, still living at home, in a one bedroom, 4 room flat of a three story corner tenement. Nicky brought sunshine with him every time he walked through the vestibule.
In my mind, he couldn't have been one of us. For he never shared a bedroom but instead stayed in those glorious things called hotels; where they have maid service! And he always dressed with an ascot and jersey hat; ready to go out steppin'. Only for 'dirty' jobs, like gardening, would he ever wear casual slacks. Always smiling, always gracious. It was just his way.
To a little girl sharing rooms with her brothers and sisters, he appeared like a prince. I was probably about 7 years old when I finally became convinced that Nicky was indeed my brother. Knowing so made me even prouder when he would come to visit.
Everyone loved to be around his easy going personality, which was only made more endearing by his exuding amounts of charm, humor and intelligence. He was, in fact, pausingly funny.
I can remember while I was in high school, he proudly showed me his vasectomy pin, much to the chagrin of my mother. But he used that pin as an opportunity to speak to me about men and responsibility.
And he spoke to me about womanhood too. -mentioning his authority to do so because he had "said 'no' to more puntang than other men have had the opportunity to say yes to." - yes, well; as I said, pausingly funny.
I would dare say that besides women, and providing for his family, one of Nicky's deepest passions was flying.
This time the exhortation came via a dream about my brother, Nicky, who transitioned into spirit on June 25, 2010.
Nicky, was 20 years older than me, almost to the day. And I don't know why- perhaps because I was the youngest and him the oldest or perhaps because we shared similar personalities; but for whatever reason, he and I were very close. The close that didn't require words or proximity. We just 'clicked.'
By the time I was born Nicky was already in the service being whisked away to foreign lands and very remote foreign locations. I rarely saw him.
When I did, I really did not believe he was my brother. For there were six of us siblings, still living at home, in a one bedroom, 4 room flat of a three story corner tenement. Nicky brought sunshine with him every time he walked through the vestibule.
In my mind, he couldn't have been one of us. For he never shared a bedroom but instead stayed in those glorious things called hotels; where they have maid service! And he always dressed with an ascot and jersey hat; ready to go out steppin'. Only for 'dirty' jobs, like gardening, would he ever wear casual slacks. Always smiling, always gracious. It was just his way.
To a little girl sharing rooms with her brothers and sisters, he appeared like a prince. I was probably about 7 years old when I finally became convinced that Nicky was indeed my brother. Knowing so made me even prouder when he would come to visit.
Everyone loved to be around his easy going personality, which was only made more endearing by his exuding amounts of charm, humor and intelligence. He was, in fact, pausingly funny.
I can remember while I was in high school, he proudly showed me his vasectomy pin, much to the chagrin of my mother. But he used that pin as an opportunity to speak to me about men and responsibility.
And he spoke to me about womanhood too. -mentioning his authority to do so because he had "said 'no' to more puntang than other men have had the opportunity to say yes to." - yes, well; as I said, pausingly funny.
I would dare say that besides women, and providing for his family, one of Nicky's deepest passions was flying.
In 2008, Nicky fell ill, and while in the midst of a long extended hospitalization, he had made me his health POA. With the help of my family, I had managed to have him transferred to a hospital closer to me where I could visit him daily. But due to a series of events, my visits with him became restricted. Then one week, I found myself in the ER and immediately hospitalized while doctors were trying to sort out the reason behind the excruciating chest pains I was having with each breath I tried to take.
When I was released from the hospital, I immediately went to go visit Nicky. However he passed into spirit, alone, upstairs in his ICU room, while I was in hospital administration fussing over health decisions that had been made without me. And I was very mad that this happened. I did not feel that there was any reason for my beloved brother to pass on. And I was additionally upset that not one member of my family had been there to provide Nicky the comfort of their physical presence as he transitioned.
But I have the sense he was not alone, NIcky was with me. And I was feeling his pain with every breath he took, even as he passed. For they'd released me from the hospital with a diagnosis of "unknown etiology."
--With Nicky's passing, my pain passed as well.
Once again, I was angry. I felt like Job. How many losses was I supposed to suffer through? I demanded to know! And I believe that this dream was an invitation to me to let the anger go. To encourage me "not to worry; be happy."
This song "Don't worry, be happy" was one of Nicky's standards. And because of him, it became a favorite of my toddler sons as well.
But onto my dream....
Don't Worry Be Happy
Nicky was laying in bed with the sheets up to his chin in his bedroom at my home and I went in to have a few private moments with him, as he had already passed.
But as I started to talk to him, he opened his eyes, pulled the sheets down from his chin, grinned and said "Good Morning!" with a chuckle in his voice and a twinkle in his eyes.
I was very surprised and replied to him, " Now Nicky, you know you are supposed to be dead, so why are you opening your eyes and talking to me?"
And I was not the least bit happy with this ridiculous, ill timed joke someone seemed to be playing on me.
But Nicky just smiled, chuckled and repeated himself, "Good morning, I said. "Do I look dead to you?" And he proceeded to laugh and chuckle some more.
So I decided to go along with the joke. Not knowing where this look-a -like man came from, I began laughing and talking to him and having a good conversation about a variety of 'stuff' before I excused myself for a minute and went to go consult with my brother, Jimmy.
- For I was sure Jimmy was in on the joke, and I was determined to find a way to turn the tables on this nonsense.
"Jimmy?", I asked, " Look, Jimmy, we all know that Nicky is dead, right?"
"Yeah we all know that," Jimmy replied.
"So Jimmy", I said, "why is Nicky in there talking to me? He told me 'Good Morning' and started laughing at me!"
"Jimmy," I continued, "nobody is going to believe me that Nicky is not dead. I need someone else to go in there and see Nicky open his eyes and to hear his voice. Or else everyone is going to think I am crazy!"
So Jimmy agreed to go in there - only to verify that I am crazy, of course. :)
Next thing I know, I can hear Jimmy and Nicky having a conversation; and I hear Nicky asking Jimmy with a Carribbean flair to his voice "Do I look dead to you?"
And I hear them laughing and carrying on. So I peek in to see that Jimmy is helping Nicky get out of his robe; helping him to get dressed. Which is also something Nicky always wanted - just to get OUT! So I enter the room and chide them both!
"So, Jimmy," I asked, "Is he dead or not? YOU'RE talking to him, what do YOU think?"
And Nicky again said "Look, how many times do I have to ask ya guys, do I look dead to you?"
And we all cracked up again. Finally I acquiesce and give in. Figuring there was no sense to deny what was right before my eyes.
"Look, Nicky, I said, " Fine, you are not dead and this is all great and dandy. Glad to have you home. But what, for goodness sakes, am I going to do about your death certificate? I was going to fight the doctors about the cause of death, but now you are NOT dead and I have all these death certificates. What are we going to do?"
Nicky, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, looked down at the floor and began scratching his head, as if pondering a solution to the dilemna. But then, without too much pause, he said, "Aw, sis, to hell with the death certificates. I wouldn't worry about them too much"
And then he looked up at me with that boyish grin on his face to say, "But, what I want to know is - what are you going to do with that box of ashes you have on the floor next to your desk?"
I was aghast!
And I immediately began fussing. I was upset about whose ashes could I possibly have and how did that happen when Jimmy and I had followed him from the funeral home to the crematorium and watched his box be placed in the chamber etc. I was beginning to feel heartbroken over whose poor body did we possibly cremate.
Then I realized, someone really was having a joke on me. For Nicky HAD to be dead! My brother, Jimmy, and I had followed him from the funeral home to the crematorium. We had wanted to be sure, as much as possible, that his wishes were followed. So reality hit me.
And as I digested the reality of the joke, I ended up laughing out loud. I laughed out in my sleep so loudly that I woke myself up! For Nicky was obviously 'dead'; but he was not dead yet!
I was being exhorted to 'Don't worry, be happy."
His sense of humor was still quite intact and quite capable still of making me laugh. And through a ridiculously funny dream, Nicky was letting me know that I needn't worry about him.
So I let go of that anger; for Nicky was now flying without the need of airplane wings. And I knew he had to be happy about that.